Agony Aunt

Dealing with grief. None of us chooses to suffer a situation that causes this and it can be easy to become irrational and concentrate on our pain when we do. Ask agony aunt online, the free advice columnist with her own womens page explains.

The following four stages describe the recovery process. This group of distinct phases is based on the experiences of hundreds of people who were dealing with the loss of a loved one at the time they consulted me.

1) SURPRISE - We hear the news about the death of a loved one and our mind goes into shock. The news is too unbelievable, too hard to digest instantly. Numbness enters the picture because our mind is still reeling from the news as our body goes into a state of emotional emptiness. We try desperately to process this terrible news. Simple tasks seem enormous. Feelings of disorientation and displacement are common. Some have described this as feeling disconnected from things around you. Funeral arrangements and other issues are done on auto pilot.

2) - MISERY: The initial shock of losing a loved one begins to settle down and we are now faced with the deeper feelings. Emotional disintegration, which feels like "falling apart" enters the picture as the reality of the loss hits us properly. We think of how our future will be and it seems bleak. Physical reactions such as sleeplessness and loss of appetite are common. Feelings of confusion, anxiety, worry, uncertainty, anger and depression may now start. These deeper reactions are your body and mind's way of trying to release tension and worry.

3) RECOVERY - Once you are past the shock and have started to come out of disorganization the recovery can begin. You can now make full use of your recovery resources including books, audio books, healing music and counseling. You can be part of an online support group where sharing is the by-word and all persons there are eager and ready to listen and help each other recover. You can confide in and get advice from a recognised agony aunt. You are not alone, unless you choose to be. And you are not a victim, unless you choose that too!

4) HAPPINESS - The right kind of help coupled with recommended action steps will benefit your recovery a lot. Your approach to dealing with the emotional side of grief has begun to work. You are less inclined to break down. You can trust yourself to get on with your life and your daily routine. You realize your life has changed. That important person is gone, but not your love for them. You start to enjoy the moment and to look forward to the future, seeing that there is good as well as bad in your life.

What we experience after losing a valued loved one is not the same as what we would experience if we were given a terminal diagnosis. Entering recovery and moving through bereavement are the result of losing an important loved one. This would include separation,divorce or a break up. We are talking about losing a parent, child, spouse, life partner, close friend and valued family member. I have experienced all of these losses and know personally that these stages are accurate.

For successful recovery I recommend the following: 1) Acquire a good reading resource that you can use when you want and need to, something that will provide support and guidance as you work your way through the necessary grief recovery action steps. 2) Check out any support groups in your area. This will help eliminate the feeling that you are alone and will normalize your recovery experience. 3) If a local group is not an option, consider joining an online forum where you can post your story, receive support from others in grief recovery and provide support in return. This provides a sense of community during the grief recovery period and re-emphasizes that you are not alone. 4) And finally, consult a life coach, agony aunt such as Charlotte Craig, who is well qualified, experienced and caring if your reactions are so overwhelming you feel you can't function. Follow these steps to recovery and your bereavement will be over before you know it.

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