Coping with Loneliness

Coping with loneliness. This feeling can strike anyone at any age, and it is horrible. It leads to misery, makes you feel unloved and can lead to serious depression. A leading ask agony aunt, the most popular of all the agony aunts explains on her free problem pages.

Being lonely does not necessarily mean you are alone. There are people who live with a partner or large family who know how it is to be feeling this simply because there is no closeness with them, no bond, nothing emotional and intense or caring. Sometimes this can feel worse than actually being on your own because you cannot do what you want when you want. At least someone who lives alone can sit and cry if they feel awful, ring someone for some support, go for a refreshing walk or lose themselves in a book without having the constant attention of others.

You need to learn how to be coping whilst you also make sure that you rectify the situation.

Take your feelings seriously. Human contact is crucial. Don't try to tell yourself it's not important to have friends. If you want to be in love but feel it is impossible to find a partner do not give up and do not tell yourself that you should not want this.

In fact, our social needs are more important and basic than our intellectual and creative needs. If you let your social life end when you quit school, pretty soon you won't care much about learning and exploring the world. You'll want to get right back to your locker, because Tatiana will be rummaging in her locker next to you. Psychologist Abraham Maslow pointed out that people have a hierarchy of needs. Each of us has to feel a sense of belonging, love, acceptance, and recognition, before we can set out to fulfill "higher" needs such as intellectual achievement and complete self-fulfillment. Being loved by someone matters a lot more to us
than passing an examination or being promoted at work.

Don't romanticize your memory of school. School does provide contact with masses of people. It does not make friends for you, or even provide an environment that is good for making friends. Everyone who goes to school, and everyone who doesn't go to school, has times of overwhelming loneliness. Being in a crowd doesn't necessarily help. Remember that when you are at school, college or work a lot of the people there are just there for the same reasons as you, not because they like you or love you, the thing you have in common with them is learning or working at the same place. They may also be coping with loneliness.

Take responsibility for your own social life. Stay in touch with former friends. If you aren't invited enough, do some inviting. Throw a party or do something about it. The more flexible you are the better. I knew a lady who told me that she was very lonely and desperate to make friends yet when people asked her to meet up she would say she could not because that was the day she did the hoovering and dusting. She could have easily changed that to the day after, met the friend and got the housework done another day. Have something to offer. If you are cheery and tell jokes then you have something to offer. You are pleasant to be with. If you are always sitting there with a long face or moaning then people will not want to see you again. They have their own problems. They may be acting as if they are happy with no cares but they may hide their problems when socialising.

Be sensitive to your friends' feelings about your changing life. If they stay in school, or in a bad marriage they may watch you with envy. They may romanticize your life, or feel intimidated by your independence and maturity. Quitting your old life might make you smarter and happier than you used to be, but it will not make you superior to your friends.

Involve your old and new friends in your most important activities. Don't think of friendship as something that takes place only during snacks and mall shopping. Don't settle for boring, predictable friendships. Challenge each other. Become more honest as time goes by.

Look in the right places. If you like people who are quiet and respectable you may find these at church. If you want to hang out with drug pushers who enjoy rowdy parties and breaking the law then you are unlikely to find them there.

Go to school sometimes. Eat lunch there, be in the choir, be a teacher's aide, go to assemblies. I know of a college student, majoring in sociology, who routinely eats in a high school cafeteria just to watch people interact in their high school ways. No one has ever noticed that she doesn't belong. And you can always hang out at other school teenager hang-outs, if that's your style.

Go to a park, sit and watch the birds, eat a packed lunch, chat to whoever comes along. You may be fussy about who your new husband or wife would be, or your next lover, but friends are different. Some people have dozens of friends for all different reasons. They may enjoy their company for a few hours here and there but could not stand or would be bored by being with that person every day. If you are very into music then a friend who is mad about music too would be great. If you are poles apart on religion, politics and lifestyle what does it matter if you have a meeting of the minds on that? There is nothing wrong with having friends that you see now and then and do not like as much as other people that you are friends with. Do not see them individually see them as a collection that make up a whole, like pieces of a jigsaw.

Do not let being lonely become normal to you, where it beats you. Do not let it become your image or personality. In the meantime learn to cope with being lonely. Coping is the key until the problem is improved or solved. Some people end up wallowing in self pity and look for sympathy when it is far better to be happy and liked for what you have to offer instead of being pitied. If you want individual advice on your situation then consult Charlotte Craig or one of her trained and experienced, caring, wise experts on your problem.

This feeling of being lonely is awful, which is why you should do what you can to rid yourself of this problem, but it is a temporary problem which you can solve. It might be hard and take a long time, perhaps you have no success for ages and then you make one wonderful life long friend. You must never give up because you never know who or what is around the corner.