Agony Aunt
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Affairs Love
Affairs love. I often get clients who are trying to understand why their husband or partner strayed. I also have men who consult me for advice on reconnecting with their wives or saving the marriage after the cheating. They often share with me the details of the cheating and why they were told or think it happened.
I would never defend the actions of a cheat or someone who wants to cheat, but sometimes it is possible to see why it happened. However, I have noticed that a lot of cheats use excuses. For example, you can get a married guy who says that he had no choice but to cheat because he and his wife were not getting on and he was unable to leave because they had just had a baby. He does not stop to think of how irresponsible and short sighted it is to get his wife pregnant and have a baby with her when things are not working out. If having a baby means they will have to stay together when they are not suited it was a silly thing to do and it was a choice that could have been prevented. Anyone with issues can come to our problem page site for help but it is better to prevent unhappy situations in the first place.
When I was un an unhappy and boring marriage I had chances to cheat and it would have been easy but I did not. My husband tried to get me pregnant telling me that then I would not be able to leave him - what a selfish and short sighted thing to do or say. I met a man I was very attracted to and drawn to and I ended my marriage before going ahead with it. Despite the fact that my husband did not try to make me happy I did not want to sneak around, tell lies or feel sleazy. It also would have simply been putting off the inevitable break up.
Most cheaters do not plan it. But you do have two types of cheats. The one who is bored at home and then accidently bumps into another person and one thing leads to another. And the one who is bored or unloved at home and goes out looking for conquests. This then becomes flirting and the unhappy one (whether he can admit this to himself of not) begins to look forward to the interactions with the other person and begins to look to her for emotional give and take, validation, and fulfillment. Here is where the line is crossed, although no physical contact has taken place yet. Eventually, this evolves into a physical relationship, but often, it happens quite gradually and starts quite innocently. Even when no physical side takes place it is cheating because it is emotional infidelity, which is worse.
You may be thinking: "but he could have turned to me for love" You are right. His biggest mistake was in allowing this process to spiral forward. Instead of pulling back and recognizing that he was meeting his needs elsewhere, he allowed this to continue and escalate.
Why Men Allow The love Affair To Continue Rather Than Stopping It Immediately: Often, when I tell women what I've explained above, I'll get comments like: "well, even if I could understand what you just said, I still can not get over the fact that he didn't quit the first time it happened. He had to have known that he crossed a line and he should have stopped immediately. But, he didn't. Why?" The initial excitment overrides any guilt. Once the line has been crossed, there's no turning back. And, the affair makes them feel valued, alive, understood, and attractive. Suddenly, they feel like someone finds them important and exciting again. They do not think they will get found out, they feel safe, they enjoy it. If they are found out they can lie about things and may as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb. They assume their partner will not find out. They are able to separate their marriage and what is happening right now and live a double life. They tell themselves that this won't go on forever, that they will get this out of their system and work it out for good, and that eventually things will pick right up at home, so that no one is getting hurt. It is only when they get caught or their lover starts to get demanding that they see how hurt you are and are faced with the fact that they might just have ruined their marriage does the seriousness of this truly hit them right in the face. Of course, by then, it's too late to take any of this back. It should not be a case of the man not having an extra marital relationship because he is scared of being caught or guilt. He should love his partner enough not to want to.
The whole thing is a wake up call that forces you to take the action that you needed all along. You can use this as a lever to strengthen yourself and your relationship.
Penned by Charlotte Craig. Affairs love forum
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