Advice Column

Hi There,

I have a question about having a "friendship" with a Married Man. A bit of background is that a met this older guy (bout 8 years difference) he seemed very nice, we had so much in common and we had a great time talking and having a joke. And in the beginning we both agreed that we'd like to take things further but on a casual basis.. so nothing complicated or too involved.
However on New years day I was supposed to go see him, just to hang out or what ever...But I didn't go because NYE was just a little too messy! But after that it got a little clingy- on both our parts i will admit, it made me want to back off a little and I was surprised that even though he was angry at me for blowing him off that day he was still really keen to get together. ( I can see why now!)
So anyway we did carry on and about 2 weeks after we arranged to do something again. Baring in mind all this time I was still under the impression he was single/divorced. Anyway turns out he isnt, he's been married for 7 years and has a young child. Understandably I cut it off when I found out and let him know what an idiot he's being.. regardless of the excuses he came up with. He was very apologetic, said he understood and came out with excuses. But the thing that really took me off guard was that he said he still wanted to stay in touch...After a long while and I had calmed down I did speak to him again, but let him know certain things were not appropriate and if he wanted to be friends there were certain things he couldnt do like texting me. And that was fine.
But then last week, Valentines day he said did I want to do something- Nothing dodgy, just cinema.. I said okay and was kind of glad to be avoiding sitting in sulking.. But in a discussion with a housemate she kind of made me feel bad for even considering seeing him again on a strictly friendship basis. She said that with our previous discussions and attraction to each other the temptation would be there still and it wouldnt be appropriate. I can see her point so I didnt go.. (i know blowing someone off 3 times is bad and I felt terrible for doing it.)

Anyway he sent me an email on Sunday saying he was more upset that he wouldnt speak to me again than being blown off and would I talk to him.... The thing is, I know never in a million years would I do something with him but I do really like him as a person, we like all the same music (which is pretty unusual in this town!) films, comedians etc and we do have a good time. I'm so tempted to write him back saying I'm really sorry. But part of me really does understand what my friend was saying!!! So I dont know what to do?? Is this a case of just let it go? or do you think it's possible to have a normal friendship with this guy? I mean I have lots of guy friends- infact 90% of them are guys but this is different, it didnt start as a friendship.

I'd greatly appreciate your insight. Thank you.

Hi Misinterpreted,

I would like to commend you for being communicative with your cousin, and for loving him so dearly even through difficult times. Communication is key in all relationships, it shows that you care. You are not a bad person for speaking about how you feel. It is important however to make sure you are communicating in an effective way to elicit solutions and not cause misunderstandings.

From my own experience I can offer the following suggestions:
1) Never discuss any issues in the heat of the moment, always wait and calm down - count to 1- 10 or something like that...
2) Only address issues with the people who are part of the problem because they basically hold the solution too.
3) Remember, no matter how mature and trustworthy a person is... they also have bad days and they may not see your situation as you perceive it - they have different interpretation filters in their mind.

Do not worry about the situation now that you have cleared the score with your cousin, things like this happen in families, don't condemn yourself about it. You may just want to remain loving and supportive of your cousin and aunt without giving of yourself more than you feel comfortable with.

Take heart, this too shall pass!

Regards,

Kimberleigh

Dear Miss-interpreted,
Please do not keep worrying yourself over past indiscretions. Focus on the fact that you and your cousin are now getting along. Continue to maintain this good relationship and remember that you are only human. It would be a marvellous world if no-one ever fell out with someone or got upset at their behaviour. You obviously care for your cousin and he for you and it is important to have someone you can rely on. If you do feel that you need to vent or get advice, try a non relative next time, especially someone who is neutral to both of you. Enjoy your life and don't waste time worrying over what has happened.

Dear Agony aunt,
This concerns a certain aspect about me and a friend of mine. We are actually cousins but we met each other for the first time only when I was 16 and he was 19 because our parents did not keep in touch. There was an instant connection then and ever since we had been best friends. Now I am 31 and he is 34. In all these years, we hang out or at least talk to each other almost every day. Being first cousins, the thought of being attracted to each other never occurred to us. So we are just good friends. But over the past few years, I started developing a resentment towards him because if his dependent nature. From the beginning, all his friends are my friends and may be because I am very good looking, I get invited to parties and social circles to which he won't be a part of it wasn't for me. But this I did not mind till until a few years back. I have had torrid relationships off and on and I often found him unsupportive of these (probably in some case the guys were not up to my standards or his) but I understand that he was being protective. But meeting people, having my own life without him began to be a problem. I am screenwriter and even if I do have a wide circle, I meet very few people and him always wanting to hang around me, being there where my friends are made it impossible for me to make any new friends. Besides, he has a few problems that irritate me. He is insensitive and sometimes selfish. It felt like I am always the one who is making adjustments. Because it is my nature to not say no, he gets away with most of these things. Things changed though. I decided to start saying no and at one point it gave him no other option but to go out and make other friends. He, for the first time made guy friends. But there was a time I was in a relationship and he would get so jealous that he was being bitter, always seeking self-assurance to an extent that he would come across as conceited and brash. It was a time when I was very frustrated that he never is successful with women. In all these years, he never once went out with a girl. His expectations are very high and only a lingerie model would make do for him while for some reason he is unable to make success with even just an average jane. So the problem starts here: I was going through a dry-spell work wise and my relationship was on the rocks and to add to that are his little problems. So I decided to talk to one of our aunts who is open-minded and is usually interested in people. She is close to both of us, to him more so because she teaches him the guitar. I met her one day and vented out about the problems I had with him. I was hoping she would tactfully tell him about these things so he would change his ways. I may have been condescending and judgemental when I was talking about him to her. My intention was not to bitch and gossip about him though. But she never mentioned these things to him when I wanted her to. Months later, we ourselves talked things out and agreed that we won’t get into each other’s hair. Things are ok now, may be because I am also much more tolerant. But just recently she spoke to him and told him the things I said more in the manner of proving to him that I was saying bad things behind his back. I told him what had happened and things are still ok between us but my conscience is troubled. Is it really wrong to talk about the problems we have with the people we are close to, to others? Should we always act as though we are supportive of them in front of others even if we are not? Am I a bad person to think that I will get a sympathetic ear when I am venting it out on my friends? I think I have done this to a couple of other friends too. Please help.

Hello Manxgirl,

First and foremost, allow me to sincerely apologize for the situation your daughter has place both herself and yourself in. It seems to me, by your daughters actions, she desires someone who can be actively attentive to her and needs. Suicide is no joke. You should sit down with her, calmly. Do not shout, and when she begins doing so, take a step back and hold your breath. She will commend you for not intruding more in depth in her life onces this passes, and if she needs your help, she will understand you're going to be there for her. Hope things work out, my love and prayers are with you!

Hello Ed,

I understand your problems and timid nature when up against the opposite sex. Women love confidence. If you don't have any? -- Don't panic! Confidence is easily obtained. While an education on the other hand should be your top priority. Have you taken into consideration the reason you're unfocused is because of the self-discouragement you're feeling? There are many ways to gain confidence while STILL maintaining a proper education and test score! Firstly, you can wear your finest clothes, along with your best smelling cologne. Secondly, compliment the girl, leave her alone for a few days. Return, paying no mind to her. I know this sounds silly, but it actually works! Lastly, the female you were once shy to speak to, is now your girlfriend.. and you're welcome. ;)

Hello Kuston,

We all want acceptance from our parents, but are we willing to possess such at the expense of our own happiness? I can't, and won't justify or define what YOU may or may not be feeling/experiencing. But you must shift the shoe on the other foot, place yourself in your parents position. You have the right to believe whatever you wish, but DO take into considersation they're only doing what they think is best for you.

Hello Manxgirl,

First and foremost, allow me to sincerely apologize for the situation your daughter has place both herself and yourself in. It seems to me, by your daughters actions, she desires someone who can be actively attentive to her and needs. Suicide is no joke. You should sit down with her, calmly. Do not shout, and when she begins doing so, take a step back and hold your breath. She will commend you for not intruding more in depth in her life onces this passes, and if she needs your help, she will understand you're going to be there for her. Hope things work out, my love and prayers are with you!

Hello Ed,

I understand your problems and timid nature when up against the opposite sex. Women love confidence. If you don't have any? -- Don't panic! Confidence is easily obtained. While an education on the other hand should be your top priority. Have you taken into consideration the reason you're unfocused is because of the self-discouragement you're feeling? There are many ways to gain confidence while STILL maintaining a proper education and test score! Firstly, you can wear your finest clothes, along with your best smelling cologne. Secondly, compliment the girl, leave her alone for a few days. Return, paying no mind to her. I know this sounds silly, but it actually works! Lastly, the female you were once shy to speak to, is now your girlfriend.. and you're welcome. ;)

Hello Kuston,

We all want acceptance from our parents, but are we willing to possess such at the expense of our own happiness? I can't, and won't justify or define what YOU may or may not be feeling/experiencing. But you must shift the shoe on the other foot, place yourself in your parents position. You have the right to believe whatever you wish, but DO take into considersation they're only doing what they think is best for you.

Hello Manxgirl,

First and foremost, allow me to sincerely apologize for the situation your daughter has place both herself and yourself in. It seems to me, by your daughters actions, she desires someone who can be actively attentive to her and needs. Suicide is no joke. You should sit down with her, calmly. Do not shout, and when she begins doing so, take a step back and hold your breath. She will commend you for not intruding more in depth in her life onces this passes, and if she needs your help, she will understand you're going to be there for her. Hope things work out, my love and prayers are with you!

Hello Ed,

I understand your problems and timid nature when up against the opposite sex. Women love confidence. If you don't have any? -- Don't panic! Confidence is easily obtained. While an education on the other hand should be your top priority. Have you taken into consideration the reason you're unfocused is because of the self-discouragement you're feeling? There are many ways to gain confidence while STILL maintaining a proper education and test score! Firstly, you can wear your finest clothes, along with your best smelling cologne. Secondly, compliment the girl, leave her alone for a few days. Return, paying no mind to her. I know this sounds silly, but it actually works! Lastly, the female you were once shy to speak to, is now your girlfriend.. and you're welcome. ;)

Hello Kuston,

We all want acceptance from our parents, but are we willing to possess such at the expense of our own happiness? I can't, and won't justify or define what YOU may or may not be feeling/experiencing. But you must shift the shoe on the other foot, place yourself in your parents position. You have the right to believe whatever you wish, but DO take into considersation they're only doing what they think is best for you.

I'm writing you, because I'm interested in becoming an advice columnist, and I believe you can help me do such. :)

maxngirl

i personally would sit down with your daughter and just have a general chat with her keep it casual, ask her how is she is ? ask if she has made any new friends lately ? and see if she opens up to you , she might tell you how she is feeling if she doesnt dont push it and try and again another day and on that day .

Im really shy and i like this girl i need to ask her out but dont have the confidence and im too shy to ask her out on a date..
how can i get a lot of confidence?
also..i got lots of exams coming up and cant study..i just cant concentrate..any ideas?

Hello Kuston,

The relieve teacher you are involved with is an adult and was in a position of authority when the relationship started up. Although it is not uncommon for a girl to have feelings for a male teacher, and it may seem that since you both feel the same way, it shouldn't be a problem, it is. You see, he as an adult knows that to have a relationship with a student is illegal. If he really had serious intentions with you for a long term relationship, he would do the right thing and wait until you are of legal age. Someone who really values you would also value your relationship with your parents. He would be showing far more respect for you and your parents if he proved it was true love by waiting.

Someone who does not respect the law and allows himself to indulge in an underage relationship may be incapable of having a mature relationship with an adult. The intensity of your feelings may be real, but if it is meant to be it can withstand the amount of time it would take to make it a legal relationship where you are both consenting adults. Put it to the test and see if you still want him and he still wants you when you are of age. Until then, put it aside and give yourself time to reconsider the relationship.

Hi, I would like to know what to do about my 17 year old daughter. I have just come accross some of her chat messages with her friends. I know I shouldnt be reading them but they concern me as she is making up imaginary friends to chat to her friends and trying to make out that she is really ill and that she has been in and out of hospital. She is also telling her friends that she had committed suiside twice when she hasnt and also told her friends that her younger baby brother had died when she doesnt even have a baby brother. So how do I mention this to her without her knowing that I read her messages

Hi,
You did not say how old you are? Personally i think the relationship between you and the teacher is wrong, You ought to focus on getting a good education, and in order for you to do so you have to be focus and not be distracted by you entering into a relationship with your teacher. What you are experiencing isn't love, it's just lust and infatuation which will soon pass. Your parents wants only the best for you, as a parent we are not going to sit idley by and watch our child or children go down a path of distruction. Try not to rebel against your parents. That teacher doesn't mean you any good either because if he did he would encourage you to stay focus and not try to get into your panty. There is enough time for you to find true love, and true love ins't something you will have to look for it will find you. When true love comes along you will know it you will feel butterflies in your stomach, that guy will love you for who you are, he will fall in love with you for your inner beauty, he will love you unconditionally, so my dear please be patient concentrate on your education, concentrate on making your parents proud of you, i am pretty sure your parents work very hard to provide for you, make them proud girl, make them proud. I will pray that GOD will guide you and lead you in a plain path.

Sincerely,
Ciboney

Hi. My ex-relieve teacher(guy) and I(girl) is in a 'secret' relationship' for a year until we got caught. The day when the truth was out, my parents immediately went to the cops and the day after he got arrested and was sent to lock up for half a day and then got bailed out but the thing is his parents are very supportive with the relationship as well as people around us. I just don't get how my parents could not accept the fact that we are really serious about being together and spending the rest of lives together as we said we would. Two months ago was our 2nd Annivesary and we are still going out and all even though we are told not to. We are still really confuse and don't know what to do, we always end up arguing over the same things. What do you think we should do? Should we really end the relationship just so the cops and my parents as well as the other teachers think it's not good? I mean, he is only a relieve teacher and already gave his letter to leaving the school before we got caught.
How?